Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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