i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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