And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize