Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
