I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
this beer tastes like vomit already
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
