Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
