I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
