He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
