So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
