Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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