She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
