Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
