I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
