OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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