I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
