I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
