Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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