Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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