Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
