I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
