you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
