I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
