Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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