well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
