we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
