a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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