You don't have asthma, your pregnant
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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