Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
