Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
