Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
