I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I cut my penus on the lid.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
