I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize