It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
