i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
