he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
