Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
