i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
