i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Best friends brother. Beat that.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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