I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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