life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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