i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
