I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
God I need to hump something, right now.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
