Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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