theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
