i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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