i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
