the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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