She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
