so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
