Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
