Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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