I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
