I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
