fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
