about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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