will power is for people who don't want to get laid
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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