Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
