he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
