My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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