Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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